Confidence is king.
One of my old friends from elementary school who I also knew throughout high school died today. I always thought he was the coolest guy, always had girls after him and played in a bunch of high school bands. He actually inspired me to want to play music in public. He looked like a young Harrison Ford or a young Burton Cummings, before the mustache. He had been working at Stella’s Cafe for a few years and I’d see him in the kitchen every so often, and my ex started working there so it was funny to have that connection to him, even though him and I didn’t talk much. One time at this house party he flipped my collar and messed up my hair and told me I was now ready for the women. He was a ladies man so having him do that was pretty awesome, I was in grade 10. I had a crush on his sister when I was in elementary. This one birthday party for a friend, she was there, and she asked me to dance with her. She was like 4 years older then me, so it was a big deal. My folks know his folks pretty well. They’ve lived close by forever. When my sister told me this evening I didn’t know what to feel. She said he killed himself.
My dad said he had been dealing with mental health issues, I assume depression among others. I myself have been dealing with depression since high school, and more recently anxiety. sometimes I’m in control, sometimes I have days where I feel grey inside and it feels like my heart has been completely destroyed for no reason. I’ve wanted out before and have done some stupid things because of it…, ruining some friendships along the way. but help is always there, it honestly is. it feels like you cant go to your family at those times, sometimes not even your friends. it’s then that you just wish a stranger would stop you on the street and ask you if you’re okay. I’ve broken down so many times in public places…on the inside at least, and then have gone home to release my guts on my bed. The way cities are designed these days offer very little in terms of community and neighbourhoods. You used to know everyone around you and you’d have a tight-knit support system right there. Now it’s different, and a lot of people feel alone. Part of life is dealing with problems, and depression is one of those. It’s a test. A shitty, bitch test, but still. You have to push through it, because when you do…things eventually get brighter, they really do. but you need to have courage and strength. and talk to someone about everything. Suicide is a choice made solely by your heart. you don’t take time and think about the consequences or even want to because you’re hurting. It’s so selfish. I keep thinking of the terrible pain his parents and sister are going through. It’s almost christmas. It just really sucks. I’ll miss you Steven. Take care please.